Film Star XL Opens Up About Battling Suicide and Depression
Adult Film star XL recently sat down with WyattEvans.com for an exclusive interview promoting his new calendar simply titled "XL 2016". The interview got personal and the usually shy XL opened up about what its like being in the industry, the future of urban porn and dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide.
Have you ever encountered people that recognize you and talk only about sex and videos?
XL:Yeah! This was my entire experience when I did “DR Takeover.” I was XL the Performer for the entire week, and no one assumed I had knowledge of a subject; I was simply a d**k or ass to be used. And I hated that feeling! People come up to me and say they love my work, but exclude everything else I might be doing (school, real job, art, hobbies, personality, etc.).
It’s my understanding that many porn stars have tough lives, and more than a few have passed away suddenly. Can you speak on depression among performers?
XL: Tancredo, I’m one of those depressed performers. I’ve contemplated suicide. I’ve cried immediately after shoots wishing I could stop my image from circulating in a negative way. It gets hard because of the lack of support. The consumers hate, as well as some of the models and the industry execs. So, it’s like you’re working for people who hate you–while literally being naked and exposed. It’s hard a thing to do.
Some bystanders view me as just a “hoe” or a hole to be used, and I’m dehumanized when I speak on actual things such as politics and the news. It sucks, but I manage the best I can. A lot of us porn performers go through this, but we don’t let others know. As a result, we create this outer shell to fend off the negativity–while trying to bask in a sense of temporary glory.
When I do leave porn, I believe I’ll have the hardest time transitioning into being accepted for who I am and NOT the pornographic material I make in order to provide a fantasy. I feel that people are more judgmental now than ever. It’s just something I’ve noticed. It’s like we aren’t content unless someone else’s name is in our mouth.
How have you managed to overcome your depression? Have you sought professional help?
XL: No, I haven’t had professional help. However, I try to keep an open space of contact with my friends and family in order to help me with it. That’s why at times I have to step away from performing.